A Mother’s Gift to the “Me” in Memoir

I heard it said best that when writing memoir we should, “Write until we’re uncomfortable, and then give a little more.”

In memoir, we share pieces of our personal life in hopes that our experiences will encourage, entertain, or affect readers in a positive way. Not all people you write about will agree with your recollection. Nor will all readers praise your story. Others may even harshly criticize your choices or opinions. Still, we present our truth on the pages for the world to devour, digest and dissect.

One of the biggest questions memoir asks of us is, “How much do I tell?”

In March 2018, I braced myself as the first copies of my book, “Bering Sea Strong,” hit the shelves and arrived in mailboxes. I thought I’d feel more excited, but the reality is doubt pounded through my chest and kept me up at night. What will so-and-so think when they read this? Will feelings be hurt? Everyone will know my and my family’s flaws and weaknesses. No one wants to be judged on their worse day, but it’s in there. Ugh, maybe I should’ve left parts out, like…that part? But the book is out there now. The story has a job to do. A purpose.

Above all, what I feared most was my mother’s reaction. I’d excavated from my heart about some tough personal experiences. Would she be mad at me for revealing intimate details of our lives? Would she refute me? Hate me? Disown me?

I cringed and waited for the worst. I asked, “Mom, what’d you think?”

“Well, honey, I wished you hadn’t been so graphic, but what you said was true. Lots of people write about the difficult times in their lives. We didn’t have it so easy when you were growing up, so I think it’s healing for all of us for you write about it. Now I know what you went through and how you felt.”

I sobbed–because I was relieved. Because it took years of writing a memoir to have a breakthrough of understanding between us.

As the writing of my memoir had progressed, I’d told my mom (and myself), “Don’t be ashamed of a past. I want our mistakes and struggles to serve a purpose.”

Mom now responded, “Well, Laurie, if it helps others, it’s all worth it.”

Though more criticisms and praises will come, I might have already received the greatest gift from publishing my book—a dose of a mother’s grace.

And though a memoir is built on the past, my mom said, “Laura, what matters is we continue to work on our relationship. The past is the past. All we have is now.”

We are all characters in life’s book. I encourage you to sit with your own family and extract the “me” in your own “memoirs.” We are all flawed and imperfect. Often, we expect too much and don’t see each other’s own difficult journeys and struggles. It took me writing (and living) a memoir to see how my mom and family had shaped me, how to accept and overcome the challenges that life throws at me, and how to embrace the future.

May you exchange the gift of grace to each other as you unwrap your own family stories. Maybe your life will never be written in the pages of a memoir, but someone close to you will know you better and appreciate you sharing your story.

Love This Day.

Please read my memoir, BERING SEA STRONG, to see what it was like to spend three months as the only woman and scientist aboard a commercial fishing vessel on Alaska’s high seas.